**PLEASE NOT THAT IS JUST HOW I'M FEELING AT THIS MOMENT. IT MAY CHANGE AND IT MAY NOT. HOWEVER THIS IS MY BLOG, MY THOUGHTS, AND MY CHOICES. I DON'T WANT ANY NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL. IF YOU  BELIEVE IN GOD OR DON'T, THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE BUT DON'T KNOCK ME BECAUSE I DO.**

I have always been a believer of God. That is one thing that I will never deny. Growing up I have tried my best to be a good Christian. After a while I didn't think it was for me, Christianity that is. My mom use to take me to church all the time and I really loved it. The older that I got, the more reservations I had. One thing I can say for sure is that religion was not forced on me. Yes my mom took me when she could when I was younger, but once I reached a certain age, if I didn't want to go I wouldn't have too. There were plenty of times that my mom and brother stayed home and the children's church bus would come and pick me up.

On the 26th of May I will have been Muslim for three years. No I wasn't forced, no I didn't get married to one. It was all me. Now that I've cleared that one up. So anyway, I've had my ups and downs with my faith. Not because of society. Not because of other people, but because of myself. I educated myself, I love every aspect of Islam, but for some reason I can't seem to dedicate myself to it. Ramadan is just around the corner and for some reason, I'm no longer looking forward to it anymore. I guess it's because as always like the past few years since taking my shahadah, I have spend Ramadan and Eid alone. I mean I break my fast with dry cereal and Netflix. If I'm even able to do that.

I'm not in any position to invite anyone over for iftar because well for one, I don't know anyone, and two I don't always have food to prepare. There are some sisters here in town and all, but they are with their families and what not. I've tried inviting them over for tea and a visit before and kept getting turned down. So I just said forget it and stopped asking. I mean what's the point right?

I'm at a point in my life to where I just want to walk away from it all. Yes Islam will always be in my heart but I'm talking about walking away from practicing it. The prayers, lifestyle, all of it. It really hurts me to even think such a thing much less to say it.

I don't know, I'm sure that I will figure out something. I keep trying to pray on it but I don't feel like He's listening. Well all I know is that I need to decide on what I want to do before Ramadan because I don't want to go into it with an ugly heart.

Again please, all comments are welcome no matter your faith or spirituality or lack there of. I love and respect everyone.